Letter to Addiction

When was it you first stole her and held her hand?
What form did you first take?
I think you have had many forms over the years – only relatively recently have you been openly discussed.

Last night she said she first met you 18 years ago, that is more years than I had thought.

We knew you were there – in the shadows – we feared you for our other children.
Were they strong enough to keep you out?
We thought she was – she thought so too.

“I like this relationship,” she said, “It makes me feel good. It doesn’t control me. I control it.”

Who was in control? I wonder when she brandished knives, threw furniture, raided her brothers’ money boxes and pawned all her grandmother’s silver.

Who was in control when she repeatedly stated that it was she?

There were times when we thought you’d gone. There we realised that you must be there because everything else was gone. All those presents, birthday, Christmas.

Where did they go?
Bicycles, televisions, personal stereos, mobile phones – how many times were they lost, stolen, broken, pawned or sold to support you?

Did you teach her all those indecent, lying ways?
Were there times we unwillingly helped you?

When her brothers were young, did you take pleasure in supporting her in her bullying and threatening? Then in her pleading and persuading and empty promises?

Did you enjoy stealing her father’s faith and trust?
I know you never stole his love. You managed to steal her partner’s love though, didn’t you?

At 18 he put up with the violence, lies and deceit.
At 21 he chose life, and broke away – I do not blame him.

How often have I wanted to do the same?

I cannot and won’t, I will fight with a mother’s strength.

“You are not her mother,” you cry – but I am – who else will be?

How did I defend my others from you, but not her?

Where you there before me?
Would it have mattered?
Could I have kept you out?
I don’t think so.

Something inside her was looking for you – and she found you in many forms, each one stronger than the last.

Now she admits that you are in control. She couldn’t leave you.
Now she seeks help to banish you and diminish you.
To keep you at bay.

We know she knows you will never truly be gone. But we will work together to reduce you to an ineffective shadow.

Give up now.

Run.

Before we catch you!