Cassie's Story
“Social care discharged me after six plus years of being in my life. My social worker told me how proud she was and I was proud of myself, more than I have ever been in my life.”
When I was using, all I cared about was what I could take next to try and make my feelings go away. I couldn’t care properly for my kids. At times I just wanted to die, but I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how to cope with my past without drugs.
After six years in and out of court, the judge said this was my last chance but it made me feel like everyone else was in control of my decisions, like it has been all my life.
I had been told for years I was a bad mum, selfish, disgusting and my kids deserved better. But the social worker we had at this time kept saying she just wanted me to be my best for the kids. She believed in me. So I agreed to go to treatment while my family looked after the kids. The guilt I felt as they cried and hugged me, begging me not to leave was horrendous. But I needed to end my chaotic life with drugs.
After detox I went to a women-only house at The Nelson Trust. I struggled to talk in the groups and to even look at people. I become even more angry, thinking they just wanted information from me to tell social care and that the only reason the staff talked to me was because that’s what they were paid to do.
As weeks went on the staff did everything they could to get me to open up and talk about my traumas. As I felt safer, I began to share what I felt with staff and the other women in treatment. In time I was able to talk about things I never had before, and it felt good that I could start to talk about these things and be honest about my fears and my experiences.
I’ll never forget Beth saying she would hold my hope for me until I could start to see it for myself. Finally I had found people who wanted to help me without wanting anything in return.
Coming home and seeing my children’s faces was worth that time away from them, as hard as it was. I did it for them but I learnt about myself. Now I knew I could not do it on my own. So when I came home I started going to The Nelson Trust Women’s Centre. I went there thinking I’ve got to try and trust someone.
Building a good relationship with my key worker helped as she was very like the staff from residential treatment. As months have gone on and even after my relapse people are still supporting me. I have come to see there are people care and that maybe I’m not so alone as I feel.
Social care discharged me after six plus years of being in my life. My social worker told me how proud she was and I was proud of myself, more than I have ever been in my life. I have started to like myself now and if there are times that trigger those old feelings I can call someone and say I’m struggling. I could never do that before. No matter what I say or do, people who care don’t judge me and like me just for being me.
I have started therapy and have been able to be honest about my past and even talk after about it in 1-1 sessions and not hold it in all the time. I’m much more present in the day and have more good days than bad. I can listen and have conversations with others in groups and I’m willing to work on myself and am starting to learn to say no. I know today I’m loved for being me and I’m learning to forgive myself, participating even when things are hard and helping others when I can.
