Dan’s Story

This is not about blame, passing the buck, pointing the finger or finding excuses. It is about me finding my truth, understanding my addiction and overcoming my trauma, not only for me, but for my family and friends too. 

I had an unsettled childhood, not completely broken, but I never felt that I fitted in anywhere. I was an excitable child with impulsive tendencies; I needed to be doing something all the time and relaxing felt like torture. This meant that I was always in trouble either at home, at school, or with the police. I was the sort of kid parents didn’t want at their children’s birthday parties. 

As a child, I became the target of bullies. I didn’t understand how much self-hatred and worthlessness these episodes of physical pain, humiliation and degradation had instilled in me until later. 

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medicine until I was in my 40’s. I can’t help thinking how different my childhood might have been if I hadn’t just been branded a ‘handful’, a ‘naughty boy’ and a ‘troublemaker’. 

As well as the bullying and my unhealthy relationship with food, there was something I was only recently able to come to terms with. I was the victim of sexual abuse. It’s haunted me throughout my life, leading to unimaginable feelings. 

Now I realise that my future years of substance misuse were probably a defence mechanism, a way of suppressing my emotions. If I was high or drunk, I wasn’t in pain. 

I began smoking and drinking when I was too young, and I soon discovered hash. After that, I found acid. With the rave culture of the late eighties and early nineties, came my use of new drugs like ecstasy, amphetamines and cocaine. These quickly became my choice of escapism. 

Before long, I was using crack heavily. Once I had taken the first hit, I couldn’t stop. My wages weren’t enough to fund my habit, and I began to steal. I was landed with a conviction for theft, but this did nothing to halt my addiction which had taken hold with formidable speed and strength. 

Despite my conviction and ongoing addiction, I found another decent job. There were lots of times I went to score straight from work, wearing my suit, driving my company car. I had no control. There was something overpowering me. I had lost the power of choice and was driven by the strongest obsession to use under any circumstances. 

One day, after blowing all my wages in a 10-hour binge, I was stuck in a traffic jam about 15 miles from home and was quickly running out of fuel. I had no money; the car was filthy with the smell of smoke and cigarette ash. I broke down screaming and crying hysterically. I was close to ending it all. 

I tried to get help numerous times. I used therapists, psychiatrists, community drug services, the church, alternative therapies, and even a stay in a Buddhist treatment centre. I also tried moving house, getting married and starting a family of my own. Despite every good intention and genuinely heartfelt promise, I would pick it back up. I would only ever have one relationship, and that was with crack. 

Despite the chaos, I somehow managed to excel in my career. As well as easily being able to smoke crack in my hotel rooms, I began to drink to oblivion as a way of managing everyday life. 

However, the late 2010’s was the beginning of the end. With my addiction spiralling even further out of control, I lost my businesses, my marriage, custody of my daughter, my house and car. Then, I lost my dad, my best friend and confidante. I was then lying on a stretcher in A&E again because of my drinking. 

I really struggled to forgive myself. I had destroyed everything that ever mattered to me. I drank heavily and saw no hope for the future. I just wanted my life to end. 

I was referred to my local drug and alcohol treatment service and was admitted to hospital for a detox. I needed to make this count. My body now didn’t rely on alcohol, so this was my chance to make a real change before it was too late. 

I applied for residential treatment at The Nelson Trust, and this is where my life really changed. Leaving my loved ones for 6 months to immerse myself in a programme of discovery and education was difficult but so worthwhile. The Nelson Trust Treatment Centre was the first place I’d ever opened up entirely. I was supported to discuss my childhood trauma with professionals and peers who really cared and believed in my recovery. I received counselling and specialist trauma therapy such as EMDR therapy (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), as well as learning about the psychology of addiction. 

I am so thankful for The Nelson Trust for giving me a second chance at life. I am now a man free from the shackles of addiction and free to enjoy a life with my loved ones.