I began to see that I am a worthwhile woman who deserved recovery. I learned that my past experiences and trauma did not have to define my future.
Content warning: Drug and alcohol use, eating disorder, suicide, domestic violence, abuse
I started drinking when I was about 12 years old. I was always very uncomfortable in my own skin, felt awkward and as if I didn’t fit in anywhere. I had developed an eating disorder and drinking gave me a sense of confidence and the ability to forget about my problems for a while. I would often drink till I passed out not knowing what I had done or what had happened, this is when I began using drugs as well.
I met the love of my life when I was very young and I felt safe and loved for the first time. I got pregnant as a teenager, I remember being terrified that I was responsible for this precious little bundle but I thought I knew it all.
I discovered Speed soon after and very soon, I was using daily. I had no idea that I was dependent on it, I naively thought that I could stop if I really wanted but when I tried to I just couldn’t, I couldn’t function without it .
The next 26 years of my life is all a bit of a mess. I don’t remember a lot of it, but I lost the father to my child to suicide. I was using more drugs to cope and I couldn’t even be there emotionally for my baby to help them. This is one of my biggest regrets in life and I continue to carry that guilt.
As an adult, I started a relationship with a man who I thought would save me from the hell I was living in, however, this relationship became abusive and violent. I managed to leave this relationship but the emotional and psychological scars took many years to start to heal.
After several attempts to get clean and two unsuccessful stays in different rehabs, I was told about The Nelson Trust by my local drug and alcohol service. I was in my 40s by this time and didn’t hold out much hope that this time in rehab would work either. I arrived at The Nelson Trust rehab and I was terrified. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, I had no self-belief and I felt broken and unlovable.
The kindness and patience of the staff, who saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself, meant that I learned to show myself kindness. I started to forgive the younger part of me who had made many mistakes, I realised that I was simply doing the best I could, and began to see that I am a worthwhile woman who deserved recovery. I learned that my past experiences and trauma did not have to define my future.
I moved from rehab into one of the trust’s resettlement properties and began to rebuild my life there. From there I was referred to one of The Nelson Trust’s women’s centres and along with a good friend from rehab, set up a women’s recovery group.
I was offered my first ever full time job at The Nelson Trust. This was an absolute dream for me, to be able to help women who are where I had been and show them the same love and kindness I’d been shown, I literally had to pinch myself at how lucky I was, that the same women who had believed in me all along were now my colleagues.
I transferred over to The Nelson Trust Women’s Centre and now support women in the community on their recovery journey. To say that I love my job is an understatement. Being able to advocate for women who struggle to find their voice as I once did, to show them compassion and walk alongside them in their journey is so rewarding.
I have a great support network of friends now and I am looking forward to my future.
